Should I tell my sexual fantasies to my partner?
Sexual fantasies: you can have a lot of fun with them, both with and without a partner. Unfortunately, I notice that it is a subject that can be surrounded by quite a few negative emotions. Some people are ashamed of their sexual fantasies. Or they feel guilty towards their partner for having sexual fantasies at all. And there's no need for that, because sexual fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, letting your imagination run wild is a really good way to get, and stay, aroused. Especially if you have a lot on your mind and you have trouble staying in the moment during sex, conjuring up a sexual fantasy can be a great way to stay in the zone, so that you and your partner get the most out of sex. can enjoy.
Sexual fantasies are yours and yours alone
To anyone who feels ashamed or guilty for harboring a sexual fantasy, I would like to express to you that your sexual fantasies are yours and yours alone. You don't have to share them with anyone and you don't have to answer to anyone. Try to embrace the pleasure of a kind of sexual treasure chest in your head that no one can reach and from which you can occasionally choose a stimulating thought, which makes you sexually 'turned on'. And believe me: in your fantasy nothing is too crazy and nothing is weird. Also fantasizing about people other than your partner or about sexual situations that are a bit more extreme is nothing to feel bad about. It is precisely in the fantasy that you can explore things that you would never do or want to do in normal life. Dare to play with it in your head and enjoy it.
Fantasizing is not the same as wanting
I regularly meet people who are startled by their own fantasies, because they think that those fantasies say something about what they want deep down. But that doesn't have to be the case at all. If you like to fantasize about your neighbor during sex, that doesn't mean you want to sleep with him in real life. And if you get aroused by the idea of, for example, coercion or large power differences in sex, that does not mean that you would like to have to deal with that in your own sex life. You have probably noticed yourself: it is precisely in the fantasy that you can be stimulated by things that are exciting, 'wrong' or 'forbidden'. You can become aroused in your sexual fantasy by things that you would never want to experience in real life. So try not to judge your own fantasies too much, but see them as a useful tool to get in touch with your own excitement.
You can adjust fantasies
As mentioned, when it comes to sexual fantasies, nothing is too crazy. In fantasies you are allowed to cross boundaries that you would always respect in real life and you are allowed to think about things that do not appeal to you at all in reality. However, I can add a small caveat here. Do you have a sexual fantasy that really makes you feel bad? Do you feel annoyed by it and do you feel that the fantasy does more harm than good? Then it's not a bad idea at all to try and see if you can gradually let go of that fantasy. Does the fantasy come to mind? Then consciously direct your thoughts towards another fantasy that also stimulates you. And repeat this every time the fantasy comes to mind. You will, as it were, create a new link in your brain, between your excitement and the new fantasy, while you let the link to the old fantasy weaken. You will notice that the fantasy you would rather get rid of will fade into the background and the new fantasy will become more stimulating.
Practice makes perfect!
Dare to fantasize during sex with your partner
I regularly meet people who are afraid that fantasizing during sex amounts to spiritual infidelity or even real cheating, but nothing could be further from the truth. Fantasizing is actually a very good way to get your head and body completely into the zone of your sexual arousal, so that you can enjoy uninhibited sex with your partner. Especially during oral sex for example, if you are easily distracted, it can work very well to have a sexual fantasy in your head, so that you keep your mind and body in a state of excitement. Sharing your sexual fantasy with your partner is allowed, but it is not necessary. In particular, check with yourself: is it something you would like to share with him or her? Or do you prefer to keep the fantasy to yourself to boost your own excitement? That's completely up to you.
Share your fantasy during sex and not at the kitchen table
If you'd like to share, do so especially during sex, when you're both already aroused. Sharing a sexual fantasy at the kitchen table might be a little rough on someone's roof, while in the heat of the moment probably adds to the excitement and tension. For example, whisper your fantasy into your partner's ear, as a wish or as an exciting thought. If you share your fantasy with your partner, it does not necessarily mean that you will actually do something with it together. It could also be that you are just using the fantasy together to evoke excitement. But would you really want to carry out your fantasy with your partner? Then starting your fantasy sometime during sex is a good start.
If you then notice that your partner does not respond to it and does not return to it, you could ask it again later at a neutral moment: “What I said during sex, what did you think of that?” Try to keep the conversation as open as possible and don't judge each other's answers. Sometimes a person needs time and space to gradually get used to the idea of a fantasy and to be stimulated by it himself. If your partner doesn't like your fantasy, respect that too. Do you feel hesitant to discuss it? Just remember that talking about it is the only way to find out what your partner thinks. Sharing a sexual fantasy is in itself a step that shows a lot of intimacy and trust. And who knows, maybe it will open a new chapter in your sex life that you will enjoy together.
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